Pets and babies

This post is especially hard for me to write as I am being forced to put my beloved dog, Riz, down this weekend. She has cancer and is extremely uncomfortable.

As I sit here and write this, she is laying next to me and all I can think about is our great memories together. Although my son is only 11 months old, I know he will miss her just as much as we will when she’s gone.

When we first brought baby T home from the hospital, Riz was uncertain about this new family member. She was creeped out by his sounds and movements. In time, she got more comfortable with baby. Having been a mom herself, she became protective of baby T. When he cried, she cried. When he slept, she laid next to him. When we went for walks, she stayed right next to the stroller and scared away dogs that tried to approach. When baby T began to crawl, Riz crawled alongside him. When T would eat, he would take a bite then offer the rest of what was in his hand to Riz. When T began to walk, Riz provided encouragement and enticed T to walk further and further.

Before T was born, people constantly told us that we should get rid of Riz. That she’s a big dog and will hurt him. That she’s a pit bull so she can’t be trusted around a baby. What is wrong with these people that make them want to deprive a child of a pets love?? I don’t get it.

I know we will all be heartbroken once our baby girl is gone. I thank God for the memories she gave us but I also dread the day when baby T asks where his “sissy” is.

Do you have stories of when your human baby and your furry baby met? Pictures? I would love to hear. ­čÖé

Postpartum depression

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This is a topic that I never thought I would know so well. After having baby T in July 2015, my life was a whirlwind. My father in law was diagnosed with Alzheimers so we decided it would be best for him (and my mother in law by default) to live with us. Let me add – I do not get along with my in-laws AT ALL. The thought of living with them in a three bedroom house, and a newborn, and a big dog just scared the crap out of me. My husband made an executive decision that maybe we ought to move so we wouldn’t all be on top of each other.┬áIn just one month, we listed, sold, and packed up our home and moved into the new house. My husband had already used up a lot of his FMLA to care for his dad before baby T was even born so I was moving and setting up our house pretty much solo.

Once we were settled in the new house, things got even crazier. My mother in law was (and still is) in denial that her husband has Alzheimers so she did not care for him the way he needed to be. Thus, I would often come downstairs to strangers in my family room because he would let anyone who came to the door inside the house or some appliance in the kitchen on fire as a result of him trying to cook himself some food. Let me tell you, those were some of the scariest moments of my life. Just thinking about it as I am writing this gives me the shivers.

As time went on, I became more and more stressed by everything going on. Not only was I kicking strangers out of my house and putting out fires, I was also trying to take care of a┬ánewborn. As a first time parent, I had no idea what I was doing, what the different cries meant, what the baby needed and when. I started feeling myself becoming angry and having thoughts that weren’t normal but seemed like the only way out. I envisioned throwing my son out of our bedroom window and into the pool. I fantasized about driving into oncoming traffic when we would go to doctors appointments. There were times I would overdose on any pills I could find in the house just to be completely numb. One day, my husband made a completely innocent comment and that was it. I lost it. Yelling, throwing things and then finally, crying uncontrollably. It just so happened we were getting ready to go to the doctors office for a well baby check up. I cried the entire drive to the doctors office and continued even as we checked in and got set up in a room. Our family doctor knew right away that I was in need of help.

Since then, I have been to therapy and am on Zoloft. I decided my in laws could no longer live with us. Kicking out my husbands parents obviously caused some tension between hubby and I. There was a lot of resentment and arguing for months after which did not help my depression. Fast forward a couple of months, I get laid off from my job and fall further into depression. Fun times!

To say it’s been a rough year is an understatement. Postpartum depression is such a real and uncontrollable condition┬áyet it blows my mind that there’s such a negative stigma attached to it. Coming from an East Indian background, most people in my family believe depression is a “mind over matter” thing. Instead of seeking help when I first felt off, I pushed my feelings down because I was embarrassed. I just had a healthy, beautiful baby…how could I be depressed?? Anytime visitors asked how I was doing, I would flash the biggest damn smile I could and say “I’m doing better than ever!” My vagina hurt, I had a flabby ass belly, family drama, but I sure as hell wasn’t about to let anyone know I was struggling.

To this day, I barely speak of my depression except to those who have seen me act out as a result of it. It is a challenge to get out of bed somedays. I lay there in disappointment that I didn’t die in my sleep. Other days, I wake up feeling grateful for my family, home and mostly, my son. Then there are the days where I hit both extremes within a matter of moments. I could be happy as a clam one hour and by the next hour, I am crying uncontrollably because all I want to do is drink excessively and mix it with some pain pills so I can just be done with all of this sadness.

I truly sympathize with those who have dealt with PPD or any other form of depression. It is exhausting to live with. Explaining your feelings to others can be so uncomfortable. The one thing I constantly have to remind myself of is to just take it one day at a time. Enjoy the good days however rare they are. Support groups can be a great way to talk about your feelings. If you have an understanding family, please let them know how you are doing. Having those people who you can be open with about your struggles is so important. I hope that one day I will feel normal again. Until then, I hope the love from my family and friends can continue to give me the strength to not give in to my dark thoughts.

Thanks for listening. XO

The new normal?

I love my sleep! Yet here I am, at 6AM wide awake, listening to B-I-N-G-O and blogging while baby T sings and dances. HOW DO THEY WAKE UP WITH SO MUCH ENERGY? Even after I have had my 4th cup of coffee I don’t have nearly as much energy as this crazy kid. This got me thinking, is this my new normal?

Instead of waking up at 10AM on the weekends, having coffee, and then doing whatever the hell I feel like for the rest of the day we now wake up around 6AM and before we blink, the day is over. Each and every day is planned around naps and feeding times. Sometimes, I feel like it’s too much work to have friends over or go out because of the things that baby T needs so we spend our day going for walks or playing in the house instead.

A fun thing (and torturous) that my husband and I like to do is reminisce about our pre-baby days. Taking shots after work on a Tuesday just because we felt like it or going out of town for the weekend last minute to go exploring. Binging on Netflix, ordering food in at midnight, spending money like it ain’t no big thing, basically just being pretty ridiculous. Oh, and having sex whenever we felt like it! How I miss having sex and not watching the baby monitor!

There are days when I just want to be a fatty and eat a lot, quietly, in front of the TV. There are days when I want to take the dog out for a long walk and not have to deal with baby T getting cranky in his stroller. There are days I just want to sleep in damnit! I feel selfish for thinking these things. That I want time to myself instead of kicking it with my amazing baby. The guilt sets in and then I feel like to compensate for those horrible thoughts, I need to spend even more time with baby T. Talk about vicious cycle.

Please don’t get me wrong. I loved my old life, but I REALLY love my baby. Even with all of these life changes, I couldn’t go back to life without baby T. I would take evenings in the park over shots and Netflix any day. ­čÖé

Welcome to my life

11 months ago, my life changed literally overnight. OK, not quite literally but it sure felt like it. I had my first (human) child. You think you can prepare for the change coming your way and you feel like you have a good handle on how crazy things are about to get but there’s really no way you can anticipate the changes that come along with having a child. On top of bringing this tiny human into the world, lets add in craziness from moving, in-law drama, postpartum depression, getting laid off and a hecka needy dog. Welcome to my life, y’all!

I hope that as you read my posts, you can give me some advice or even just let me know you’ve been where I am. My goal for this blog is to reach other parents going through the same life changes and let you know, IT’S NORMAL!